I'm not even joking: the incident of aggravated throwing of macaroni and cheese on my car is not documented on the official police roundup of neighborhood crime, despite my best and most protracted efforts at reporting it.
As my mother said, "What is this country coming to?"
I would ask my friendly 5th District police bureau, but unfortunately I think I am permanently on Officer Addison's shitlist at this point. She responded to a call from my address last night around 9:30pm, only to find me and my ragamuffin friends eating couscous and drinking gin on the front porch. Some might call this undesirable street hooliganry; I call it "neighborhood watch."
When I explained the situation - that I suspected my neighbor had smeared macaroni and cheese all over my car - I really thought the officer was going to slap me. And I couldn't have blamed her.
I retold the history of harassment, explaining that we knew that if we didn't catch our neighbor in the act, the police couldn't really do anything. Eventually I got my police report (it has the wrong street name on it, but hey, nobody's perfect), with a number for follow-up inquiries.
But I'm getting competing advice from one of our other (black) neighbors, who instructed us to pay a "big black thug" fifty dollars to go over and threaten the problem neighbor. After all, she said, "there's not much you can't accomplish if you give fifty dollars to a black man." Amen?